I just turned in my contract papers on which I circled the "I do not wish to recontract for the 2005-2006 year." Feels very strange.
The Friday before last I came here to the Kencho to get some info about a school schedule change, and after Goto-san finished the struggle on that piece of information he asked me about my intentions for next year. At the time I wasn't exactly ready to let the cat out of the bag, but what was I to do?
So I told him that no, I wouldn't be staying. He just looked at me and I wasn't sure if it was that he hadn't understood what I had said or if he was in shock. Then I remembered that in Japan when you want to say that something is a bad idea or you want to answer in the negative you often don't just say, "No, that is not a good idea." You are instead supposed to say, "Hmmmm.....perhaps that is a difficult way of going about things," and let body language and subtleties do the rest. At least this is what I read in some book before I came to Japan, since I can't speak the language I am really not sure if this is true or not. So I was thinking that instead of saying, "No, I won't be recontracting," I should have said something along the lines of, "Hmmmm.....well, I perhaps I might find it difficult to stay here." I don't know.
But anyway, I told him the truth and he said he understood, "Ah, wakarimashita." At that I figured it was over for the time being, but as I was looking at some papers I heard him say my name to Watanabe-san (my supervisor) who then came over and sat beside me. "Crap," I thought, "I only came here to get some info and now I am having to tell these people that I've made my decision and won't be back for a third year." I really hadn't prepared myself for this.
"Mah-kas," he said to me, "next year?" I just looked at him allowing him to find the English words. "You go back....America?" He looked and sounded a bit dejected and I began to feel a bit bad. But I sucked it up and told him that yes, I would be returning to the country where McDonalds and baseball had been born, only, I didn't put it quite like that. At this he looked down in a way I, in my own life, probably have a few times upon hearing those damn words, "Let's just be friends." (Maybe women learned how to break up from a Japanese handbook)
I felt a little bad about it as I knew he had wanted me to stay three years--he told the table this at one of our parties--so I told him that my time in Japan had been good and that I learned a lot but that I wanted to get back into school and do the next thing in my life. I wasn't really sure if he understood all that but I felt fairly certain that he had. Then he said, "Ok," and went back to his desk and I left the office thinking, "Damn it! I wasn't going to do that today."
So anyway, I turned in the official papers today because they are due this Friday and I have school everyday but today this week. I gave them to Goto-san since he is the one that originally gave them to me so I at least was able to avoid Watanabe about this. I really don't want to depress the guy. I know this makes a lot of extra work for them and there is always the chance they'll get some idiot that causes a lot of problems (this does happen from time to time with JETs) but in a small way I am happy to know that my leaving is causing a little sadness amongst them. Makes me feel loved.
Funny, though, how many of us JETs who are leaving seem to really have it on our minds lately. Guess that's not strange considering that it's only six months from now, but most of us will have done two years by then. This means that we are only 75% into our stay here, just starting the fourth quarter. Still some game left to go yet we are all thinking about the end. Perhaps, though, it's only because the big decision is due this week. I'm hoping that after this week we'll all just settle down and enjoy our last six months together and in Japan. Still too early to start thinking about that first Mexican dish I am going to order or about whether I'll be buying the Sierra Nevada Pale Ale or Samual Adams Boston Lager upon my return.